The Lost Boys Had The Right Idea

For most kids growing up
there is an adult world
and a kids' world.
Things are said and done
away from children's eyes & ears
they're sheltered and kept away
from grown-up bullshit.
I was not one of these sheltered kids
nope
I was along for the ride.
Whatever troubles my parents had
I was more often than not
stuck right in the middle of it all.
Having to listen to my Father
rant and rave about how my Mom was 'fucking niggers'
or my Mother forcing me to lie to my Dad
about how she wasn't out partying until dawn
with those urban cowboys from the bar.
Then of course
he'd find out that I had lied to him for her
and then I was in trouble
I was branded a 'liar'
for doing what my Mother told me to.
Ya just couldn't win with these fucking 'grown ups'.
Seeing my Dad all hopped up
on Meth & Cocaine
slamming my uncle's head into the kitchen cabinets
for leaving a plate of Coke under the couch in the living room.
Walking in on my other uncle
shooting up
riding the H-Train
in our bathroom
tied off with a belt.
I always swore that when I was grown up
I wouldn't be anything like them
would never put my own kids through
all that grown up bullshit.
That I'd do better
be better
than they were.
And today
in most ways
I am
better.
But still, the things my boy has seen & experienced, so far,
me, strung out on pills, spending all night on the porch
hitting the keys on the typewriter
while my son sat inside with the television babysitter
asking 'when are you gonna come inside and spend some time with me?'
that lonely look in his eyes, just like I once had, as a boy
that right there
made me pack it up and go inside.
Or making a promise to him
and then breaking it
that look of disappointment
split my heart in two.
My son's Mother, my ex-wife,
struggling to do it all on her own
during the week
asking me when I was gonna pay her some child support
and not having a dime to my name.
My son and I walking through 115 degree heat
to the bus stop
and the heartbreak I'd feel when he would
look up to me and ask
"When are you gonna get a car, Dad?"
and not having an answer for him
or even for myself.
Just drifting
floating aimlessly
having none of the answers
that my son so desperately needed.
I had become what I always swore I wouldn't.
A grown up
with all my grown up bullshit
and my sweet little boy
just along for the ride.
Sometimes
despite the best of intentions
history repeats itself
but you and I both know
that
it's never too late
to turn it all around
and get it right.