Going Down Up North

I liked her style

the way she tattooed

it was a style all her own

and I thought it'd be perfect for what I wanted.

My typewriter on the top of my right hand.

Something I'd wanted to get for a long time.

Plus

this gal and I had been Facebook friends for a couple of years

and I always wanted to meet her.

She was so beautiful, in that old time, silent movie starlet way

that and she had good taste in just about everything.

So when I actually went into the shop

I got the space on my hand measured

and gave her a copy of my book, 'Walkin' With The Beast'

I was surprised at how tall she was

how stunning she appeared in person

when our eyes met for the first time

I felt something there.

Sometimes these little gut-feelings happen

where you lock eyes with someone

and you just know

that they're gonna be a part of your life

in some way.

Or at least, I thought I did.

A week later

going in for my appointment

we got started

on the tattoo & the conversation

it all flowed perfectly.

We talked the entire time

laughing and joking with each other

speaking in funny accents

cracking each other up.

We were just having fun.

It was very refreshing

after months of dull conversation with other females.

Just when I was thinking of a way to ask her

if we could hang out some time

the gal beat me to it,

"I get off in an hour and a half. You wanna come back? Get stoned, hang out?"

"Yeah, I could do that, I reckon."

I couldn't believe it.

I'd been crushing on this chick for the past couple years

and now

here I was, actually getting to know her,

growing more and more attracted to her

with

each bowl that we smoked

every funny voice that we spoke in

all the jokes that she was cracking

it gave me that weird butterfly feeling in my stomach.

The one I thought didn't exist anymore.

If a gal is genuinely funny

and a little weird

well goddamn,

that's just about the sexiest thing in the entire world

to me.

That night she gave me a ride home

laughing and smoking weed the entire way.

I was absolutely floored by how many voices she could impersonate

British, Italian/Jersey, Mexican, Black, Redneck,

she could do em' all and she did em' well too.

I had never met a woman like her in my entire life.

She was so funny

and honest

and real

and cool.

She was so cool.

When she pulled up to drop me off that night

the first words out of her mouth were an excited,

"We definitely need to hang out again."

Putting the key into the door

and stepping inside

I exhaled a long sigh.

"Holy shit. What--what the fuck was that?"

Felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.

After months of feeling

nothing

for no one.

It was like a breath of fresh air.

After that first night

we were in constant communication

every day after.

Texting or messaging each other

on and off, all day.

I found myself thinking about her sporadically

throughout the day

wondering if maybe she felt the same way too.

It certainly seemed like it

with as much as we had in common

and the hours of great conversation that we produced.

So when she asked me to go out of town with her

overnight

to Sedona

the following week.

It was impossible to wipe the smile from my face.

I turned down another chick I had been talking to

wanting just this gal and her alone.

We seemed to be a perfect fit

we could have so much fun together.

I was very excited about this trip

the days leading up to it

it was nearly all I could think about.

Getting out of town

to one of the most beautiful places in the world

with this new woman that I was becoming more and more

enamored with.

The morning we left

she came and got me.

We stopped by my dad's to get some camping supplies

tent, sleeping bags, blankets, grill, and a .40 cal pistol.

stopped by a tire shop

got a new tire and off we went.

To the red rocks of Sedona.

The entire drive up there

we listened to a series of mix CD's that I burned for her.

The first being, Chris Isaak, Two Wounded Birds, and Mazzy Star.

When 'Fade Into You' by Mazzy Star came on

she gave me a look, said,

"Oh my God. Seriously, right now? Mmm. I LOVE this song."

And she turned it up

the scenic landscape passing under and over us

I remember it feeling like a dream

smoking good medical marijuana from her glass pipe

bowl after bowl

riding in that car

with those tunes providing the soundtrack

stealing glances, here and there

the conversation flowing

slowly smoking on a cigarette

out the breezy window

it felt like the perfect day.

We talked about our exes

our plans to get motorcycles

our awkward teen years

our childhoods

everything

leaving no stone unturned

getting it all out there

learning everything we could about each other.

I was funny

I was witty

I was charming

nothing could shake my confidence.

Things were naturally progressing just like they should.

I dug her and she dug me, I thought.

The song, 'Im On Fire' by Bruce Springsteen had been getting a lot of repeat listening around the time I

met her

and it was stuck in my head, nearly the entire time we were there.

The moment we got into Sedona

the sight of it all took my breath away.

The large red, orange, and purple mountains,

looming in every direction

in strange and unique formations

joining together with the sky

to create these incredible pictures of raw beauty

everywhere you looked.

Not a dull angle in town.

"Wow."

"Holy shit."

We both remarked in awe at the sight of it all.

The place didn't have many stoplights

just those 'round-about' things everyone loves so much.

Her and I stopped the car at an information center

and got a map.

She spoke in a British accent and I spoke with a Southern Drawl

asking questions

both of our eyes, red as the Devil's dick

and he circled spots on the map where we would find

what we were looking for.

We drove on down

finding Slide Rock

but there were no pets allowed

and no trails to hike.

The guard at the front, he said--well...here. This is how it went down,

"Are there any trails?" She asked.

"Uh there are a few--well, actually--there aren't that many--there--there are no trails of any kind in the park. Whatsoever. No trails. And no pets, either."

He said,

eyeballing her white German Shepard

in the backseat.

"Okay, thank you."

 She flipped the around the corner

going hard (the right way) over the severe tire damage spikes.

"That doesn't sound good. Not good at all." In that goddamn, perfect, British voice.

Yeah, yeah, I was swoonin'. Big time.

So we tried to find a good campground for the night.

We cruised through a place, parking the car in a space, and walking around. Trying to find one that was available.

If they were, it had a space number with a little empty clipboard.

She found a good one, right by a running creek, away from the other sites.

There were little paper slips that you had to fill out.

I held the dog while she filled one out

payed the park manager the twenty dollar fee

and we clipped our number and tag to the little clipboard.

"So wanna get some meat to grill, stuff for the fire, and--"

"Booze?" She said, flashing a big smile.

"Pssh. Fuck yeah, pretty lady!"

"Alrighty!"

Back in town

we got

three steaks, marinade, a sixer of cider, a bottle of Andre's champagne (the cheapest stuff), chips & salsa, and lighter fluid.

Then

on the way back to the campsite

the gal said,

"Would you be terribly disappointed if....we just got a room instead?"

"Uh...no. Not at all. That's cool."

"I'm sorry. I just--the more I think about it, I just wanna sleep in a bed. Ya know?"

"Yeah, totally."

Alright, alright, alright.

I thought, this was an interesting turn of events

shit was definitely going down now.

We tried a few motels, but you had to have a credit card

at every single one

and she didn't have one.

I certainly didn't.

Then we tried this one place

the last one

just outside of town

by the red mountains.

The Red Rock Lodge.

We had to wait for the manager to come back

but when she got there

I knew we'd be staying.

She was this sweet German lady

that said she would take cash

and that the dog was okay too.

I waited in the car

while she paid for the room and everything.

I sat in the passenger seat

the dog panting in the back

listening to a song from my phone

'I'm Going Down' by Bruce Springsteen.

In that moment

I got a weird feeling

like something wasn't quite right.

Something was off.

But I was having too good of a time.

Like I was under a spell

I didn't give it a second thought.

The place was built in the 1940's

and it looked like it.

Too cool. I couldn't believe it.

She had rented a room with two beds.

A large queen

and then a little twin size in the corner of the room.

We got settled in.

Started drinking that cider

and smoking more weed.

The pot smoking never really stopped

we just kind of took it up a notch, when the sun went down.

The meat marinated in the mini-fridge

while we drank, smoked, and talked,

Swamp People playing on the TV.

The German lady that ran the place,

Ingrid

she brought out some firewood for the fire pit

and even gave us a grill to cook the steaks on.

Complimenting us on our ability to get a fire going

telling a story about a family man

that tried for over an hour to get a fire started

his kids standing around, asking why he couldn't start a fire.

"So I vent out der and got ze fire started in only a few minutes. Dat's why I say, I'm de, fire master!"

We both laughed our asses off and Ingrid walked back inside.

I grilled the steaks

the first two, for the pretty lady and her dog.

Turning them over with a stick I found on the ground

while her dog lay at her feet

and we passed the uncorked champagne bottle

taking long pulls from it.

"This is so primal." She said, grinning wide.

"Isn't it?" I said, smiling back.

"Yup. This is perfect. Good weed, booze, a man cooking the meat, and good conversation, I couldn't ask for more."

She got the fire pit going good

while I finished up the steaks.

The stars up above us

were shining bright that night

the moon was out and beaming down, like a flashlight in the sky

the large red rocked mountains hanging high & mighty

across the road and in the distance

as if they knew something, I didn't.

"I can't thank you enough for bringing me up here. I never get to see such beautiful places." I said, gazing at her.

"Aww. Of course. Thanks for coming. It's rare that I have such great company." And she smiled too.

"Ditto. I don't think I've ever met someone like you before. Ever. It's just like you said, it's refreshing."

"Yeah, it is. I'm so blessed."

"You wanna hit this?" I asked, passing her the freshly loaded pipe.

"Haha! You read my mind, mister!" She hit the pipe hard.

I turned the steaks once more.

"Alrighty. Ya'll's steaks are done. Wanna get something to put em' on, mama?"

"Maybe this'll work." She said, holding a stretched out plastic grocery bag.

The first steak I went to set down, slid right off and

fell to the ground.

"Okay, well that one is the dog's then."

And we both instantly cracked up laughing.

I left it there and the dog got at it.

The next steak was hers and it held just fine on the plastic bag.

She set it on the table to cool off.

I put my steak on the grill.

"Here. I brought these for you." Ingrid said, walking down into the courtyard

with two plates, forks & knives, and barbecue sauce.

"You're a saint, Ingrid!"

"Yeah, thank you so much. That's really sweet of you."

We both said, in gratitude.

"It's no problem. Just....will you let me know when you're done, I've got some meat I need to grill too."

"Of course. Whatever you need, Ingrid." I said, flashing a smile.

"Thank you."

After the steaks were all done

we cleaned up our mess and went back to the room

with our plated steaks and barbecue sauce.

We smoked another bowl

then ate

watching some dumb show about a 'Swamp Monster'

reality TV garbage.

The two of us speaking in redneck voices the entire time

laughing at the poorly scripted 'reality show'.

One of the guys on the show, said,

"Just because you don't believe, don't mean you're safe."

We just lost it

cracking up until our faces hurt

from laughing so much.

Laughing up a storm

like we had been all day long.

The day had been so great

hell, the past week was great.

Everything about it.

That excited feeling I got

whenever my text message alert went off

and it was from her.

Talking on and off all day, everyday.

Then today

the drive up there

when she'd really get tickled about something I said

and laughed really hard and loud.

Or when I'd say something really funny or sweet

and she'd just look at me, saying,

"Oh my God. Stop."

Playfully slapping my knee

me practically jumping out of my skin

at the feeling of her touch.

We had connected on nearly every level imaginable.

After months of not connecting

with anyone on any level.

I liked her

and I was pretty sure, she liked me too.

Usually, I would've made my move a long time ago.

But this chick was different.

I genuinely liked her, as a person

and not just the usual, lustful shit.

I respected her enough to not try to pull

my old cheap moves

I wanted to do this right.

It was getting later

just after midnight

and I thought,

if I was gonna make my move

now was the time.

She was laying on the big bed

her dog next to her

in-between us.

So I got up

went to the bathroom

working up the courage to do what I wanted to do

all day long.

I checked my hair in the mirror

every one in place, Presley-grade, perfect.

I was ready.

I exhaled a big breath.

Thinking of that Elvis song, 'It's Now or Never'.

Strolling out of the bathroom

thinking I was Don Juan Delanooch

took a drink from my Mason jar of ice water on a shelf above the bed

standing right over her.

I did the ole' countdown.

The one us guys have been doing since Junior High.

Where you count it down in your head

and then just make your move

hoping for the best.

3

2

1

and go.

I leaned down

until my lips were right in front of hers.

"Oh..." She said, turning her head slightly, her eyes closed.

Then she looked right at me and

I froze up

like a deer in the goddamn headlights.

Our lips only inches away from one another.

"Uh.............no."

When she said, 'uh', it was long and drawn out

like

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

she was thinking about it

tossing it around in her head

and the conclusion was no.

I reacted purely on reflex,

"Jesus Christ! Okay...geez."

I said, standing up straight and trying to catch my breath

nervously laughing

my head spinning.

A mushroom cloud exploding in my brain.

Mind blown.

This couldn't be happening.

"I'm sorry. I just--I don't do the whole...relationship thing. I don't do that stuff." She said,

"Uh. I--ugh. Okay. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry! It's okay. I just....we're just....friends. Ya know?"

That 'f' word was like a butterfly knife

flipped open and plunged deep into that thing in my chest.

The thing that didn't catch feelings for gals

or get dizzy over a dame.

I didn't even know what to say

what to do

this hadn't happened to me

since fucking high school.

I had never been rejected for a kiss before

especially not like this.

Out of town

and overnight

after only knowing each other a week.

It seemed so perfect

it seemed like a sure thing.

I thought that

we'd end the night

kissing each other

that gal, all wrapped up in my arms

her head on my chest

my hand resting on her hip

falling asleep in each other's arms.

A perfect end

to a perfect day.

That's how I pictured it going

all day

all week long.

I never pictured this.

Not even in all the worst case scenarios

that played out in my head.

It seemed like she gave me all the signs

all the signals

of a woman interested in a man.

I thought she really liked me.

I put on my thermal pajama pants

the white ones with the holes in the crotch

plopped down on the bed

next to the dog

and her.

She felt a million miles away now.

I loaded another bowl.

"Wanna smoke then, pal?"

"Once again, you read my mind."

She took the pipe.

"This isn't going to be weird now, is it? We're still friends, aren't we?"

"Of course, we are!" I said, smiling and chuckling

to keep from crying.

"Good. Cause it doesn't matter to me. I mean, it doesn't bother me none." She said.

'Well of course, it doesn't bother you.

I'm the one that just made an ass of himself.' I thought, but didn't say.

An hour later

I went to the twin sized bed in the corner

wrapped myself under the covers and went to sleep.

It was all I could do.

The next morning

I woke up early

not remembering where I was for a moment.

Then I remembered it all.

Everything that had happened the night before.

The words,

".....no."

echoing in my head

like a shot from a rifle in a canyon.

She was still asleep.

I got in the shower

removing my Saint Christopher necklace and hanging it on the shower knobs.

Repeating softly to myself, over and over again,

"I don't fucking believe this."

It didn't matter if I believed it or not

it happened and

we were just friends.

I came out of the bathroom

shirtless and drying my hair off.

She sat on the bed, the TV on.

"Oh hey."

"Hey. How was your shower?"

"Good. You sleep okay?"

"Not really."

"Yeah, me neither. When I woke up, I didn't know where I was for a second. Then I remembered."

I remembered everything. As much as, I didn't want to.

While she got in the shower

I took a little walk.

Up around the back of The Red Rock Lodge.

I kicked around some rocks for awhile

and little pieces of wood and ash.

Listening to 'I'm Going Down' by Bruce Springsteen.

'I go to put my arm around you

And you give me a look like I'm way out of bounds

Well you let out one of your bored sighs

Well lately when I look into your eyes

I'm going down, down, down, down.'

I felt like an idiot.

A completely hopeless fool.

What was I thinking?

A gal like that

would never go for a three-time loser like me.

Kicking myself

for pausing that brief moment

when her lips were in front of mine.

But I didn't want to just force myself on her

and something seemed off

so I stopped.

When I returned to the room

she was out and dressed.

Ready to go.

"Wanna go for a little hike?" She asked, smiling.

"Sure. There's a little trail up behind the lodge."

We hiked up it

with her dog leading the way.

When we finally reached the top

as far as we could go

she let out with it,

"Okay, we should probably talk about the elephant in the room..."

'Fuck. No.....' I thought.

"Yeah, totally. Let's talk about it."

"I'm really sorry for the way I reacted. That was so bitchy and shitty, I'm sorry. I just--I don't know. I got scared.

I shut that part of myself off, you know?"

"It was just a kiss, darlin."

"Well, I thought you were trying to fuck me. And I was really stoned and drunk and.... I just got scared."

"Okay. Well....I wasn't trying to fuck you. It couldn't have been more innocent. Honestly, darlin. It's just...we've been talking everyday

since we met and...I like you. You really made it seem like...you liked me too. And I don't know, I wanted to kiss you, so...I tried."

"Well, it's not like, I'm not attracted to you or anything. You know, you're a handsome guy. And it's not like, it didn't cross my mind. It's just...I just got out of a ten year relationship and I know, I'm not ready to start something new."

"I know. I took that into consideration. Like I said...I thought you liked me too."

"Aww. Danny. I'm so sorry. Come here."

And she gave me a hug.

I felt like that fat & awkward teenager again

from all those years before.

We ate breakfast at 'The Red Planet Diner'.

Made conversation there

and the entire drive back

without it being too awkward.

But really

on the inside

I was screaming.

What a joke.

It figures

it serves me right

it made no sense whatsoever.

She dropped me off.

Gave me a hug again

and said goodbye.

When I shut the door and leaned up against it

I wanted to cry

but I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

Oh well.

That's one for the books, I reckon.

Once you get past the

embarrassment

the bruised & battered ego

and my hurt feelings

I guess

it is pretty fucking funny.

If it had happened to anyone else

I'd be laughing my ass off too.

And that's just how it goes sometimes.

But don't forget

sometimes

it goes the other way too.