Adventures In Dating Alcoholics

We had been seeing each other

on and off, all summer long

but, I had broken things off with her

a little over a week ago

after she freaked out on me

drunk on whiskey

refusing to leave the house

and shoving me in the chest

while screaming like a banshee.

“YOU WANNA SEE SCREAMING?! I’LL SHOW YOU FUCKING SCREAMING!”

My life is complicated & painful enough

just as it is

I don’t need some whiskey-fueled, devil woman, adding to it.

However

after a week of not responding to her

dozens and dozens

of text messages

I finally, relented

and said okay, let’s hang out.

She promised to curb her drinking

get things under control.

Monday night

I had band practice

for some Halloween cover show I’m doing.

Afterwards,  I rode the lightrail back to Mesa.

Got picked up

by her and a mutual friend of ours, Bud.

The three of us went to Tempe

got about two drinks each at a bar

the whole time her demeanor towards me

being really argumentative and combative

disagreeing with nearly everything I said

insulting me every chance she got.

At one point

She told Bud, that if it came down to it

I would murder him for a cheeseburger.

That I was a savage.

The gal paid for our drinks and we left.

I hadn’t eaten any food since eleven a.m.

It was going on eleven o’clock.

I told her, I really needed to get something to eat and that I had a job interview in the morning, so I didn’t wanna be out too late.

“A job interview? So what? I mean…it’s not like you’re gonna get it anyways, Danny. Let's get real here...”

“Jesus, what the fuck?!” I said.

Even Bud, piped up a bit, “Hey, take it easy…”

“Oh, don’t be such a pussy. I was kidding. Just one more drink, ten minutes, and we’ll go. I swear.”

Thirty minutes later

and we left the other bar.

She was complaining about having to drive Bud home

then drive me back to East Mesa

then come back to Tempe

for her nephew, who needed a ride.

I just shut the fuck up

and sat motionless in the front seat.

I knew that this ride home

could go bad

at any moment.

She was in one of her ‘moods’

where everything I said, she took issue with.

We dropped Bud off at home.

Drove down the freeway

I searched for a song on my Spotify.

I ran through the shuffle

skipping a few good songs

settling on ‘Go On Back To Your Used To Be’ by Jessie Mae Hemphill

an old blues break-up song.

“Really? This is the song that you chose? After skipping all those good ones? Wow.”

She looked at me with nothing but

disgust and contempt.

“It’s literally, her worst song. So awful.”

“Oh okay.” I said, smirking and changing the song.

‘Atrocity Exhibit’ by Joy Division came on

So  I left it there.

After about a minute

right when she pulled off at our exit

she violently yanked the volume knob

down

silencing the music.

Sitting in the car with nothing

but the sounds of our breathing and the hum

of the little SUV

her sister’s car.

We kept going down Val Vista Drive

I just spaced out

looking out the closed window

just dreaming of being home

with a bowl of warm chili and cornbread in my lap

the Seinfeld theme bass lines

coming out of the TV.

I got so close.

When we pulled up to Val Vista and University

where we had to turn

“Hey, you gotta turn right here…” I said.

Her head spun around, her eyes wide and terrifying

she began yelling at me,

“Are you just not gonna tell me how bad I’m driving? I’M SWERVING ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE AND YOU’RE JUST SITTING THERE!”

“What are you talking about? I wasn’t even paying attention to your driving.”

“Oh bullshit!”

“So you’re driving bad on purpose, to test me? What the fuck?”

“I think, you should just get the fuck out and walk home!”

“What did I do to you? Seriously?”

“Okay! Fine! I’ll drive you home, you little bitch!”

The light turned green

the car surged forward

her picking up speed

“It’s fine. You can go the back way.  Just turn right here at this light.”

I said, pointing.

“Oh can I? Huh? Go the back way? I should make you fucking walk!”

She turned right and we went further down

the suburban side streets

passing orange groves and homes.

She pulled the car over.

“Seriously, just get the fuck out. You fucking loser.”

“What did I do to you?”

“I have to drive you home and then go all the way back to Tempe now!”

“Okay and that sucks, but how is that my fault? You offered to pick me up in the first place. Remember?”

I watched her face process everything I said

She knew, she was wrong

but she didn’t care.

“Okay. Fine.  Sure. You didn’t do anything! Don’t worry I’ll just take you home.”

She pulled the car forward

kept going

arguing the entire way

I finally got so fed up

I let it slip out.

“Do you really think I’m going to talk to you or have literally, anything to do with you, after tonight?”

She jerked the wheel

making a wild right turn

“Oh yeah?! Now you’re not gonna talk to me?! Oh! Well!”

She pushed the gas

going faster

“Then, I’m gonna drive you so far….you’ll never get back home.”

“JESUS CHRIST! What the fuck?! Stop the car! Stop!”

She didn’t hit the brake or let up on the gas

actually

she accelerated on the left turn

headed back towards one of the main roads, University,

going fast.

“Stop the fucking car! ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO YOU! STOP THE CAR!”

“Jump bitch.” She said, calm and cool, as could be.

“Wha—what?” Was she serious?

“JUMP BITCH!” She shouted, grabbing my book that was sitting in my lap,

‘The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford’ by Ron Hansen

and she thew it out the window.

I tried to open my door

thinking she might slow down

only for her to accelerate

and look over

anxious to see me

jump from the speeding vehicle.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I shouted.

She hit the right turn out onto University

the car swerving into the oncoming lane

I slammed my door shut

rebuckled my seatbelt

she just kept going forward

driving the wrong way

with me screaming and yelling

a series of

What the fucks

Goddamnits

And Jesus fucking Christs.

“JUMP BITCH!” She screamed again, her new mantra.

We continued speeding down the road

she pulled back over into the right lane

and I looked down

in between us

at the shifter

and emergency break.

I slammed the shifter into PARK

then pulled up

hard as I could

on the emergency break.

The speeding car

skidded and screeched to a halt.

She tried in vain to push it back down

but her soft arms were

not stronger than mine.

I watched her face

as she realized,

that this car was stopping

right the fuck

right now.

The car stopped, I grabbed up

my cell phone under my leg

and my orange can of Murray’s Pomade

from the floor.

“YOU CRAZY FUCKING BITCH! FUCK YOU!” I shouted

jumping from the car

and running fast as I could

looking back to see her squeal off.

Going the opposite direction.

Far, far, away.

I still ran for a bit

then speed walked

glancing over my shoulder

being sure she wasn’t coming back

to run my ass over.

I turned down the street she threw my book

spotting it in a bush

walking past it

without stopping

snatching it up

like a crane scooping a stuffed animal

one seamless motion.

Within ten minutes

I was back at the house

telling my sister the entire tale

“Well, you’re not gonna see her again, right?”

“Ugh! FUCK NO! I’m dumb, but I ain’t crazy.”

She text messaged me, the next day

accusing me of not really loving her.

Saying, that if I did,

I would help her get through this

and not just give up on her.

Maybe she’s right.

If I loved her

if I really gave two little

rabbit pebble shits

about her

or her love

I would try to work it out with the gal.

Try to help her stop drinking

love her in spite of herself

but I don’t

so I won’t.

And sometimes,

It’s just that simple.